Your child does not want to go to school, keeps losing things, becomes withdrawn or regularly complains of a stomach ache before leaving home.

Is it simply a difficult phase, a conflict between classmates, or could it be bullying? Some children confide in their parents, while others remain silent about their problems for a long time. That is why it is important to know what signs to look out for, how to talk to your child and, above all, what to do if you suspect bullying.

Conflict or bullying?

Not every argument or conflict between children is bullying. Disagreements, disputes and occasional teasing are a normal part of relationships between children.

Bullying is different. It typically involves intentional harm, repeated behaviour or the threat that it will continue, and an imbalance of power that makes it difficult for the targeted child to defend themselves effectively. This imbalance does not have to be physical. It may result from social status within a group, several children targeting one child, or information that can be used against them.

Bullying is not only physical violence

Bruises and torn clothes are visible. Many forms of bullying, however, are much harder to spot.

Bullying may involve repeated:

• name-calling, insults and ridicule,
• threats or intimidation,
• pushing, hitting or other physical aggression,
• taking or damaging personal belongings,
• excluding a child from the group,
• spreading rumours,
• humiliating a child in front of others,
• blackmailing or forcing a child to do something they do not want to do.

And the problem does not necessarily end when the school day does.

Cyberbullying: when the problem follows your child home

Social media, group chats and other online spaces can allow bullying to continue at home. Cyberbullying can include abusive messages and comments, sharing humiliating photos or videos, creating fake profiles, excluding someone from online groups or spreading rumours.

Cyberbullying can be particularly distressing because home may no longer feel like a safe place, while harmful or humiliating content can spread quickly to a large number of people.

How can you tell that something is wrong?

A child may not tell you at home that they are being bullied. They may be afraid of retaliation, feel ashamed, worry that their parents will not believe them or even think that the situation is somehow their own fault.

Pay particular attention if your child:

• suddenly refuses to go to school or looks for reasons to stay at home,
• repeatedly complains of headaches or stomach aches before school,
• starts taking a different route to school or avoiding certain places,
• comes home with damaged belongings or regularly loses things,
• has unexplained injuries,
• repeatedly asks for money or has money or food go missing,
• loses friends and becomes increasingly isolated,
• does not want to talk about classmates or what happens at school,
• seems unusually sad, anxious, irritable or withdrawn,
• has difficulty sleeping or concentrating,
• suddenly starts doing worse at school,
• reacts anxiously to messages, notifications or using their phone.

One of these signs on its own does not prove that bullying is taking place. However, if several appear, persist or gradually become more pronounced, it is worth finding out what is happening.

How should you talk to your child?

If your child confides in you, one of the most important things you can do is reassure them that they did the right thing by telling you.

Try to remain calm, even if what they tell you makes you angry or frightened. Listen and ask about specific circumstances: What happened? How often does it happen? Who is usually there? Does anyone else know about it?

Avoid responses such as:

• "Why didn't you fight back?"
• "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
• "You need to show them you're not afraid."
• "Hit them back next time."

Reactions like these may leave a child feeling that they are partly responsible for what has happened. Retaliating can also make the situation worse.

Suspect bullying? Take it step by step

1. Listen to your child and reassure them that you will help

2. Gather as much specific information as possible

Write down what happened, when and where it happened, who was present and whether there were any witnesses.

3. Keep any evidence

In cases of cyberbullying, screenshots of messages, comments, photographs or posts can be important. After physical aggression, it may also be helpful to document any injuries.

4. Contact the school

Speak to your child's class teacher, a member of staff responsible for safeguarding or prevention, or the school leadership team. Describe specific incidents and ask the school to investigate the situation and ensure your child's safety.

5. Agree on the next steps

Ask what measures the school will take, who will be responsible for handling the situation and when you will review together whether those measures are working.

What should parents avoid doing?

A parent's natural instinct may be to contact the other child's parents immediately or confront the child believed to be responsible.

However, this can complicate the situation. It is generally safer for the school to investigate suspected bullying through its established procedures. Directly confronting a child who is being bullied with the child or children suspected of bullying them can also be inappropriate and potentially harmful.

The first priority should always be the child's safety and establishing as objectively as possible what has happened.

What should the school do?

Schools should provide a safe environment for their pupils and work to prevent harmful behaviour, including bullying.

Parents' concerns about possible bullying should be taken seriously. The school should investigate the situation sensitively and safely and take appropriate measures based on its seriousness.

If you feel that the school is not responding adequately, contact the school leadership and, depending on local rules, the relevant education authority or oversight body.

In cases involving serious physical violence, threats, blackmail or other potentially unlawful behaviour, it may also be appropriate to contact the police or another relevant authority.

Where can you find further help?

Neither parents nor children have to deal with bullying alone. Support may be available from school psychologists, counsellors, safeguarding or prevention staff, educational psychology services or other professional organisations in your area.

Children and parents can also use local anonymous helplines and counselling services. If someone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number or 112 where available.

Asking for help is not telling tales

Children sometimes stay silent because they worry that speaking up will be seen as "telling tales". But that fear can allow bullying to continue.

Talk to children about the difference between telling on someone over something minor and seeking help when someone is hurting them or somebody else. Asking an adult for help in that situation is not a sign of weakness.

A child should not be expected to deal with bullying on their own. Above all, they need to know that there is an adult on their side whom they can trust and who will stand up for them.

Sometimes, asking for help is the bravest step of all.